


Pride

by shadow_prince



Series: Wolfstar Song Fics [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Heart Break, M/M, Pining, Ravenclaw Remus, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23761987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_prince/pseuds/shadow_prince
Summary: Sirius knew who Remus Lupin was. He was neither dumb nor blind, so of course he fucking knew who Remus John Lupin was. The Ravenclaw was snarky, sarcastic, and candid. Everyone either loved him or hated him, and Sirius was decidedly in the former group, despite the fact that Remus had no idea who he was.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Original Male Character(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Wolfstar Song Fics [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1190275
Comments: 22
Kudos: 138





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As requested on tumblr, this drabble has been extended into a fic.
> 
> Lyrics are James Arthur's [Naked](https://open.spotify.com/track/77vv9vprh6SazfOXIJgYpx?si=f2_zbH7fSbuh_cgWWw34Cg)

_Hey, you there  
_ _Can we take it to the next level_  
 _Baby, do you dare? Don't be scared  
_ _Cause if you can say the words  
_ _I don't know why I should care_

◇

Sirius _knew_ who Remus Lupin was. He was neither dumb nor blind, so of course he fucking knew who Remus John Lupin was. The Ravenclaw was snarky, sarcastic, and candid. Everyone either loved him or hated him, and Sirius was decidedly in the former group, despite the fact that Remus had no idea who he was.

That wasn’t _entirely_ true. Everyone more or less knew everyone in Hogwarts, at least in the vague sense of “she’s a hufflepuff” or “he failed Slughorn’s last test so badly they had to move the next class to a different classroom” sort of way. But Remus didn’t _knoooow_ Sirius. They had never spoken before. They didn’t have terribly many classes together, Sirius didn’t spend much time in the library, Remus didn’t sneak out onto the roof to smoke. Or if he did, it wasn’t the same section of roof.

There was a lot of roof to Hogwarts, so actually Sirius wasn’t sure about that last part.

Regardless. It was by complete chance that seventh year saw them assigned to share a desk in Advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts. Lupin was a Prefect, so Sirius had no doubts that he would be quickly annoyed by Sirius’ lackadaisical note taking (if it could even be called that) and fidgeting that James was used to ignoring during lessons. 

Sirius’ skin itched as he sat down next to the other young man. He wasn’t used to being so close to someone he didn’t know, and he wasn’t a fan of it, but he couldn’t deny he was _painfully_ curious about the other. It was a well known fact that Remus was both gay and a werewolf; he made no attempt to hide either and was seemingly not the least bit ashamed, ignoring or biting down on the nasty comments in equal measure.

In all honesty, Sirius wasn’t sure who had drawn more attention in their year: himself or Remus. Remus did have the whole _dangerous magical creature_ on his side, but Sirius came from a wealthy pureblood family where there were certain _expectations_ and _social protocol_ to be followed. And instead he had been sorted into Gryffindor and refused to date girls. Sure they were pretty and soft and maybe he’d be fine dating one if it was the right one, but _boys._ Oh, Merlin, _boys._

Kettleburn droned on with the usual first day of course schpele about this being their last year and how important the class was (you know, compared to the other half dozen they were all taking) and that it was not too early to begin preparing for N.E.W.T.s. Sirius doodled some ancient runes on the back of his right hand, savouring the scratch of the quill and cool spread of ink on his skin as he did so, completely ignoring Kettleburn’s speech.

Next to him, Remus had his chin propped up on his fist, but didn’t appear to be listening either. The blue and bronze of his tie shimmered under the flickering candles and Sirius stared distractedly at the spot where it met his throat, just at the hollow, a shadowy pool of skin beneath his Adam’s apple. 

He didn’t hear when the class ended and was caught off guard when Remus twisted in his seat to face him. “So, _you’re_ Sirius Black.”

Sirius absently wondered if the way Remus’ eyes burned like lit amber was a result of being a werewolf, his genetics, or the lighting in the castle classroom. Belatedly, he nodded silently and Remus hummed.

“I guess I’ll see you around, then.”

Sirius was still sitting staring at the door he had disappeared through when James came up and rested his hip against the desk. “You know he has a boyfriend, right??”

“I don’t _like_ him.”

“Uh-huh,” James replied, tone dripping in disbelief.

“I don’t!”

“Right. I totally got that from the way you were staring at him during class, and haven’t moved since he spoke to you.”

“Whatever, asshole, let’s go get dinner. I’m starving.”

Infuriatingly, because he was a complete dick and obviously hated Sirius, James went out of his way to become best friends with Remus. The two of them got along _swimmingly_ while Sirius slowly died inside. Some days it was even a very rapid dying inside. Day in and day out became a test of Sirius’ fortitude as he was exposed to both too much and too little of Remus. Even their mere proximity in class was enough to flush his cheeks and have him half-hard, rushing off to the WC to rearrange himself before his next lesson or quidditch practice.


	2. Chapter 2

_'Cause here I am  
I'm giving all I can  
But all you ever do is mess it up  
Yeah, I'm right here  
I'm tryna make it clear  
That getting half of you, just ain't enough._

◇

If he thought it was bad when Remus paid him no attention, he was not at all ready for when Remus started flirting with him. It was innocent and Sirius  _ knew _ it meant nothing, that Remus was taken, and wasn’t in the least bit interested in him and merely indulged Sirius’ playful nature and flirtatious manner, but still. Sirius lived for those moments when Remus bit back. When he winked after a particularly dirty innuendo or grinned at some filthy joke Sirius made or pressed a chaste kiss to Sirius’ cheek before a quidditch match followed up with an  _ “eat shit, Black.” _

At the Hallow’s Eve Ball Sirius went stag and spent most (the entirety) of the evening watching Remus dance with his boyfriend, imagining it was him instead. The bobbing candles cast shadows on his bronze curls as they spun beneath them and Sirius could only picture the way his amber eyes must glow up close.

James had told him he should’ve just asked Remus himself, but Sirius claimed he had no interest in doing so. He knew better than to say that he didn’t because Remus had a boyfriend, because that meant he wanted to, and obviously he didn’t want to. He adamantly denied any  _ feelings _ for the other boy and regularly reasserted that it was just flirting—James’ expression was always skeptical at best.

Sirius was on his way to get another butterbeer when a warm hand caught him around the wrist. A light sheen of sweat covered the other boy’s forehead and his dress robes were slightly askew, but his smile was bright and sweet as ever. 

“Gideon,” he said, smiling in response and feeling himself soften—he had a weak spot for the younger Gryffindor.

“Been lookin’ for you all night,” his voice lilted with a slight Irish accent. “Come dance with me?”

Sirius set down his empty bottle on a nearby table. “Yeah, alright” he agreed easily, laughing when he was promptly pulled off onto the dance floor.

They fell into an easy waltz, with Sirius spinning him around the dance floor easily after years of practice. Gideon’s hand on the back of his neck and Sirius’ at the low of his back were anchoring in the way familiarity grounds you, the way a plant leans naturally toward the sun, leans into what it knows. Gideon blushed and laughed under Sirius’ attention, all of his limbs soft where they pressed against Sirius’ long lines and his cheeks round and freckled, eyes dancing in a way that should be easy for any boy to fall under his spell.

Sirius wished he could.

They spun past Remus and his boyfriend at one point, and Sirius caught him staring, his brow pinched and gaze focused like the most advanced of spellwork. They locked eyes for a split second before Remus was looking away, smiling his usual mischievous smirk at the boy holding him.

Sirius bid Gideon adieu not long after that. He felt guilty despite himself, even though he knew Gid expected nothing from him and knew where they stood, he still felt guilty. It would be so much easier if he could just fall for the younger Gryffindor and put a certain Ravenclaw out of his thoughts.

Hands shoved deep into the pockets of his dress robes, he opted to slip out one of the side doors and walk through the gardens. The air had a biting chill to it and Sirius’ breath rose in puffs of white clouds in front of him as he walked, frost bitten soil crunching beneath the heel of his dress boots. 

He froze where he was behind a curve of evergreens when he heard hushed voices nearby, the low murmuring of boys who thought they were being discreet and fooling exactly no one at all. Sirius leaned far enough around the edge of the cypress to see Remus’ mouth attached to the neck of his boyfriend—a tall, handsome Hufflepuff whose hands disappeared into the folds of Remus’ robes. 

Sirius stood transfixed. He knew that he should turn away, walk away, drag himself to literally anywhere else, but when the boy threaded his fingers into Remus’ hair and tugged his mouth up to his own the only thing Sirius could do was stare, a hand clenched painfully around his heart and struggling to catch his breath.


	3. Chapter 3

_Hey, get out.  
_ _I've got nothing left to give_  
_And you give me nothing now  
_ _Read my mouth: If you ever want me back  
_ _Then your walls need breaking down._

◇

Sirius tried to guard himself more closely after Hallow’s Eve, but it seemed that for every wall he tried to build around his heart, Remus was working equally hard to tear them all down.

He was laying beneath a tree on the grounds in a patch of sun on what was very likely to be the last nice day of the year, eyes closed and breathing deeply of the smell of crumpled leaves and apples and crisp fall air, when fingers threaded their way into his hair. He stiffened and knew, he _knew_ , he should stop the hand, catch him by the wrist and pull away, but he couldn’t bring himself to and hated himself a little bit for it. It seemed like everything that had to do with Remus lately was equal parts enjoying it while it lasted, and hating himself for not stopping it because it hurt him so much.

“Don’t you have a boyfriend to bother or something?” Sirius rasped out, trying to keep his voice light and the jealousy out of his tone.

“Eh, he’s busy working on potions.” Sirius could picture the way Remus shrugged it off without even opening his eyes. He dared not open his eyes. Dared not look at the other boy in the early setting autumn sun with the light bouncing off his auburn curls and crooked smile. He could hardly grow facial hair but was trying and the scruff on his upper lip looked so good it was ridiculous. Sirius wanted to tease him but couldn’t manage it. 

He knew they were all trying, and Sirius was too. He fought extra hard against the urge to cut others down for the sake of it, no matter how hard his hormones and jealousy pushed him to do it, because he knew it was something his parents would love about him and it made him hate it all the more.

“I hope you find someone who loves you,” Remus whispered. It was so quiet that Sirius was sure he wasn’t meant to hear it. A fist wrapped around around his heart and he couldn’t breathe to be able to answer. “You deserve someone who can be there for you the way I can't. I know you don't believe it, but you deserve someone. And I hope you find someone to love you the way I do.”

Abruptly the fingers were gone from his hair, but Sirius didn’t breathe or open his eyes. He laid in the grass, every limb stiff, his heart heavy and ice cold in his chest. When he finally did pry his eyes open it was cold around him, stars bright in the ink black sky around him. He tried to tell himself that it didn’t matter if Remus meant what he said or not but it was difficult to squash the blossoming hope.

Remus didn’t love him enough to be with him, so it didn’t matter if he loved him at all. He had a boyfriend and was a werewolf and was going back to Ireland after the year ended. And Sirius?

Sirius had an empty apartment in London. 

James would probably visit when he got bored. And Sirius had plenty of job offers to pick and choose from; even disgraced and disowned, people wanted the fallen heir of the Ancient and Noble House of Black. He would pick something and would go to work and then come home to his apartment and it would all be fine.

He didn’t need someone to love him _liked_ Remus did. Because he wasn’t enough for Remus to choose anyway. So what did it matter if someone loved him _like_ Remus did? It would never be Remus, and if he wasn’t good enough to be worth Remus, then what good was he at all?

Sirius hated himself for how much he hoped things would change between he and Remus after that. He knew that they wouldn’t, but he couldn’t help it that he hoped they still would. No matter how much he repeated over and over in his head while he laid awake at night in his four-poster bed that he didn’t care, that Remus was taken, that they probably wouldn’t work out anyway, that there had to be something that Sirius couldn’t stand and would finally be able to say _ah hah, there it is, we would never work_ , Sirius couldn’t control his dreams.

Or his last thought before he fell asleep.

Or his first thought when he woke up in the morning.

_Fuck._

“Don’t you have your own table to sit at?” Sirius asked scowling as he climbed over the bench, across from Remus where he was seated next James. He was _tired_ and trying not to think of the images that had filled his dreams involving him as the third with Remus and his boyfriend. As if he was even worth being an add on to that pair. 

Remus swallowed his bite of scone. “All they’ve been talking about is N.E.W.T.s. You lot are more interesting.” His eyes flashed with something that Sirius refused to name. This was all much easier when he thought Remus only thought of him as a passing annoyance. Why did he have to throw out the word love? Why did he have to insinuate Sirius _mattered?_

“Yes, well. We live to entertain.” Sirius stabbed a slice of ham with too much force and ignored Remus’ frown. He would have to work harder to hide how much this hurt. Remus could never know how much this mattered. How much _he_ mattered.

He was positive he was going mad.


	4. Chapter 4

_'Cause here I am  
I'm giving all I can  
But all you ever do is mess it up  
Yeah, I'm right here  
I'm tryna make it clear  
That getting half of you, just ain't enough._

◇

Sirius’ hurt and frustration continued to grow the more that Remus acted like he loved him but didn’t change anything between them. Every day was a trial of Sirius reaching, fingers outstretch, longing to grasp Remus and hold him against him, only for Remus to dance out of his reach at the last second. Even worse, was that Remus’ boyfriend was clueless to the entire thing. Sirius would have given anything for the other boy to know where they stood and accept him as his boyfriend as well. Sirius ached so badly to love them both and to be loved in return, something he had never known.

Not from any of his past partners. Certainly not from his family.

As it became more clear to him that Remus was never going to do anything about it, Sirius resigned himself to his fate of loving him in secret, but still it hurt to be around him. If Sirius tried to move on and flirt with other boys in the Great Hall, Remus would butt in with scathing and sarcastic remarks until the other boy left awkwardly. When Sirius scowled at him, Remus just smiled blithely and shrugged like nothing had happened.

So Sirius took to walking alone near Black Lake or the Forbidden Forest after classes, to avoid sitting by the fire in the library or one of the common rooms with James and Remus. Winter had arrived and the grounds were more often than not covered in snow. Sirius began bumping into Gideon more and more often on those walks, until he asked the younger boy if it was more the a coincidence. Gid smiled with a mixture of confidence and embarrassment at being caught.

“Perhaps,” he replied cheekily, falling in stride next to Sirius. The snow crunched beneath their boots as they walked in alternating bouts of silence and talking about anything and everything together. “You deserve better, you know?”

“What?” Sirius asked, confused.

“You deserve better than someone claiming to love you, just to string you along. I know you would rather have Remus, but. It doesn’t really seem like Remus would rather have you.”

Sirius wanted to punch him in the mouth a little bit, but also he knew that Gid wasn’t wrong. He would never come first in Remus’ life. He was easily dispensable. It was always Sirius’ responsibility to apologise when they argued. Sirius’ responsibility to assure him. Sirius’ responsibility to tell him that he loved him and would be there. He never thought too long about what would happen when he needed Remus there for him, because he was relatively certain that Remus wouldn’t be there at all.

The day that Sirius returned to the Gryffindor common room holding Gid’s hand in his own, Remus was lounging in one of the large armchairs by the fire. He glared over the top of his book, eyes locked on Sirius and Gideon as they crossed the room. 

“I’ll be back down in a bit. Going to find some dry clothes.” Gid stood up on his tip toes to kiss Sirius’ cheek. Sirius smiled, overcome with warmth at the companionship and comfort he found in being around Gideon that he had not anticipated.

James halted mid sentence when he realised that Remus wasn’t listening to his story. His eyes went back and forth between a seething Remus and where Sirius stood, head cocked and waiting for the story to continue.

“And then?” Sirius prompted, but Remus had other ideas.

“Is that where you’ve been sneaking off to?” Remus demanded.

“Where I’ve been what?”

“Sneaking off to. You’ve been sneaking off and hooking up with that bloke and don’t even care about us enough to tell us.”

“Sneaking?!” Sirius asked, absolutely bewildered.

“Yes. You’ve not been telling me what you’re thinking or where you’re going. You’re cutting me out.”

Sirius’ mouth fell open, gaping at Remus’ hostility. “Why do I need to tell you where I’m going with whom? You’ve been nothing but aggressive everytime I’m around.”

“Because we’re friends. If you _actually_ cared about me at all, you would have told me. Besides, he’s a complete ponce and doesn’t care about you a whit.” Remus sniffed haughtily, his ears red as he looked back at his book, pretending that the conversation was over and he was going to ignore Sirius. “He doesn’t _really_ like you, you’re just the next cutest thing he hasn’t slept with recently.”

“You’re such a fucking dick, Remus. And you’re not my boyfriend. Something that _you_ decided, might I remind you.” Sirius replied hotly, anger burning in his chest and throat like he had swallowed hot coals. “I don’t _need_ to tell you where I’m going or what I’m thinking. And I CERTAINLY don’t need your help deciding who to date. Maybe you should go spend time with your _boyfriend_ for once, instead of telling me how to live my life.” 

Sirius didn’t stick around to see if Remus actually left or not, instead choosing to turn and stomp up the spiral staircase to his dorm. How dare Remus accuse him when Sirius had done everything he could have to be with the man. But the _moment_ Sirius tried to accept Remus boundary that they would never be together, Remus threw it in Sirius’ face as his doing?!

At breakfast the next morning, Sirius expected Remus to be ready with an apology and Sirius would admit he had lost his temper even if he wasn’t sorry for protecting himself from Remus’ shitty attitude. But Remus never came over to their table. He sat at the Ravenclaw table with his boyfriend and kept his back to Sirius and James. 

Sirius hoped it was just a bit of childish behaviour, but the days turned into weeks, and the weeks dragged on into months, and Remus preferred to pretend like they had never been friends at all. Sirius spent hours flinging spells blindly in empty classrooms and sobbing, with James always there to catch him when he faltered, and Gid to give him a sympathetic and understanding pat on the shoulder. 

He counted down the days until their final train ride home from Hogwarts and the promise of never having to see Remus’ face again if he was careful. But even as he stood in the entrance to his new apartment in Muggle London, trunk on the ground at his feet, and staring at the bare walls and rooms, Sirius could still feel the ache of an empty Remus shaped hole in his heart and the promise of what could of been, if he had meant just a little bit more to Remus.

◇

_Oh, I, I wanna give you everything  
I wanna give you everything, oh   
_ _I'm not gonna wait until you're done  
'Cause you pretend that you don't need anyone  
Can't you see that I'm naked  
Oh, see that I'm naked  
I'm not gonna try 'til you decide  
You're ready to swallow all your pride._


End file.
